Brian Edwards Media

Bag a Duckshooter Today!

Ducks at dawnDuck shooting season begins today. I can understand the necessary killing of animals for food, but I’m damned if I can understand anyone taking pleasure in shooting a beautiful creature out of the sky. They call this a sport, but it’s a kind of uneven contest – a human being with a sophisticated modern weapon that can fire projectiles hundreds of metres into the air against…  a bird. The only evenness in this contest may be their intellects. 

To make things fairer, we need to equip ducks with small heat-seeking missiles, triggered by the sound of shotgun fire, and programmed to zero in on the occupants of maimai across the land.  With any luck the project will be underway in time for next year’s ‘Bag a Duckshooter Season’.

Meanwhile here’s a foretaste, drawn to my attention by Q.

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  1. Beauty for the Beast.
    Well Brian, to be realistic this bloodthirsty country doesn’t see it that way does it?
    I drive and live around this country as I’ve done for the last 20 odd years and all I really see is a concentration camp for animals. Fences holding in place animals that we graze upon, picking them off as we feel the need. They suffer in the heat and the cold, make it as best as they can through the adversities that we’ve largely shielded ourselves against. I’ve seen the muddied baby dead lambs piled on the back of trucks after cold-snaps, the fathers and sons heading off with their dogs to kill the pigs in forests, poet/tv celebrities running with said pig on shoulders for entertainment, and the programming on t.v? Gone fishing? Gone off fucking with the beautiful creatures with my hi-tech hooks reels lines fish-finders and massive boats, oh and my bottle of thai sweet chilli sauce.
    What do the tourists see? I live at the moment on the East Coast and the town I live in (Gisborne) should really be the “Nelson of the North Island”. But it’s not. It is the service centre for the surrounding million square miles of mostly hill country farming. We are completely held in sway to the farming lobby that continues-through the process of gerrymander- to manipulate this entire urban population to its ends. I walk on a beach that at times is littered with the carcasses of their dead animals washed down from the hills and down the rivers. Because they have stripped the hills of forest in order to gain pasture and have lashed the land with no.8 wire to hold the flocks and herds in place the land is washing steadily away – the worst erosion ever – and we get the subsequent fouling and silting into our bay – so bad the fecal count we can’t swim or surf in it at times.
    As long as this country hails the production of meat and milk and cheese as its backbone we will continue to be spineless grunts presiding over the ongoing gulag that we have mythologised into a happy little farming paradise where we believe ourselves to be in tune with nature but have really just enslaved nature and beat her up with alkathene piping when no-ones watching.
    Oh, and we will continue to celebrate and prey on the ducks that foolishly land here hoping for some refuge. Stupid farking ducks have it coming really don’t they? for believing the hype? Clean green?. Dirty dried rust-red brown. We are awful people marketed as good keen men. Kill ‘en all ducks. ‘cept me, I’m one of the good guys, oh Brian and Judy too.

  2. Ducks Unite! Use the missile equipment that we are born with and if we get organized we could collectively bomb the vehicles with our acid flavoured shit. If 50 of us ducks zeroed in on the hummers and four-wheeled drives parked near the maimai, we could etch great patterns in their paintwork! So General Meeting tonight at……….

  3. I’m not much impressed by the responses to your piece of lightweight nonsense. Perhaps you’ll quietly reflect on the death of Michael Meehan at the weekend and conclude that, in this instance, you were out for a duck, as we say on Grumpy Old Geezers today.

    • Well, the death of Mr Meehan is regrettable and his family have my sympathy. As it happens, I wrote my ‘piece of lightweight nonsense’ – Oh to have your arrogant certainty! – before this accident. For the record, I couldn’t give a rat’s arse what impresses you. My position remains that I cannot understand anyone who regards the killing of anything as either sport or fun.

  4. Arming ducks could look something like this..

  5. The only evenness in this contest may be their intellects.

    Faced with the evidence of Mr Mackie’s reply above, I feel compelled to record my resentment at this gratuitous slur on the intellectual capacity of ducks.

  6. Duck shooters, much like deer stalkers, seem remarkably proficient at shooting each other – with alarming regularity…