Posted by BE on December 4th, 2009
1. Have the affair with a cocktail waitress
2. Have the affair over an extended period, preferably several years
3. During this period, meet and have clandestine sex with the cocktail waitress often
4. Communicate regularly with the cocktail waitress by email, text and phone
5. When faced with likely discovery, leave a message on the cocktail waitress’ answering machine (asking her to delete her name from her voice message, because your wife has gone through your phone, found the name and ‘may be calling you’.)
6. Sound nervous and guilty and finish the message, ‘Do this for me. Huge. Quickly!’
7. Have other affairs
8. Be incredibly famous
9. Be a billionaire
10. Be incredibly stupid
1. Make sure he doesn’t have a childhood.
2. Make sure his teenage is about getting ahead in life, not getting experience in life.
3. Hold this kid up as a paradigm of perfect behaviour.
4. Make sure this role-model image carries through to adulthood.
Tiger was a public phenomenon from the time he was a toddler. Check him out with his ever-present and over-ambitious father on the Mike Douglas show, where he putted against Bob Hope and beat him. At two years old he was in the spotlight; at eight years old he was winning world championships.
It wasn’t enough for this kid to be brilliant at golf, though. He was expected to be perfect in every way. In his own words: ”From early childhood I dreamed of being the world’s best golfer. I worked hard and applied my family’s values to everything I did. Integrity, honesty, discipline, responsibility and fun; I learned these values at home and in school, each one pushing me further toward my dream.” Not a lot of room there for Friday night cruising, chatting up girls. Not a lot of room for tantrums and heart break and hangovers and all the things that are part of life’s education.
It’s a bit like plugging up a volcano. If you’ve been forced to be a good boy all your life, if you’ve never been granted the freedom to run wild, to make mistakes, to learn the lessons only bad behaviour and its consequences can teach you, then one day you’re going to break loose and do something incredibly stupid – like having affairs with women who have everything to gain from kiss and tell.
However, when debating crime and punishment with my determinist spouse, who argues in mitigation for violent criminals because of their childhood experiences, my mantra has always been, ‘It may be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse’. So I suppose that applies to Tiger, as well. Just because it was inevitable, doesn’t make it OK. Bad boy, Tiger!
I have to say, JC, I’m with your determinist spouse on this one. At a certain point, the explanation becomes the excuse – usually when you realise that the person under scrutiny simply lacked the mental and/or moral resources to adopt a different course of action from the one for which he stands accused.
It used to drive me wild, watching Nigel Latta’s Tales from the Dark-side (or whatever his TV show about notorious NZ killers was called).
We would learn everything about the criminal: from his appalling childhood, to his substance abuse and addictions, to the twisted moral universe into which he had drifted. Absoebing this, we would realise that what had happened to him and his victims was to all intents and purposes inevitable.
But, having reached this point, we’d then have to endure Latta popping-up right at the end to deliver his standard little homily about personal choice and responsibility. Arrrgghh!
The French, as they do with most aspects of human existence, have a very grown-up attitude towards all this – and a wonderful saying: “To understand all, is to forgive all.”
Like their food – it’s worth trying.
I have to say the thing that made me laugh was Woods alleged comment to one of his girl friends; “I have to work hard because I am not as financially stable as I would like to be”. How many billions does one need before being ‘financially stable’?
On the matter of his pecadillos why should anyone be surprised? It’s what men do -we won’t ask you to reveal your secrets, Brian, but there has been gossip about your hurried departure from Ireland:)- whatever their parentage and however little money they have. The disappointment with Woods was his lack of good taste. With all that money could he not at least have found classier and more discreet crumpet? But celebs have shown time after time that money buys neither brains nor discernment. It’s the old story that you can tell what God thinks about money by those he chooses to give it to (I realise this goes over an atheist’s head).
we won’t ask you to reveal your secrets, Brian, but there has been gossip about your hurried departure from Ireland:)
I left Ireland to come to New Zealand to teach German to Kiwis. Pretty bizarre, eh?
Meanwhile, in other news this week, Tiger Woods’ penis did not deliver a major policy speech about Afghanistan at West Point. Shame that — because then the local media might have decided a story with genuine foreign policy implications for New Zealand was worth serious coverage and analysis.
So disappointing to see Tiger drive his balls, veering off the fairway and into someone else’s bush. We marvel at the unerring accuracy of his club swing; less so, with the direction he steers his pecker.
In all of this discussion, I wonder how much is credible and how much speculation. It may well be true that Mr Woods has wandered from the straight and narrow, but so far most of the evidence of his erring is self-serving and implausible, or of the classic question-begging kind (or both). Other than hearsay, what do we really know? And why should we care anyway?
Add #11 to BE’s list
11. In addition to #9 be a stingy scrooge, don’t shower any gifts on these women therefore giving each one absolutely nothing to lose in telling all.
Why do we care? Because he’s shown himself to be a total hypocrite that’s why. Trophy wife, trophy family, all a shining facade for the sponsors’ benefit, while he pursues a grubby personal life behind the scenes. I’m glad we now know this. Schadenfreude? you betcha, but warranted this time.
Advice to wife: get out of the marriage with as many millions as you can squeeze from him. Tigers do not change their stripes.
Yes Phil, of course I agree … birch him! What right does this cad and bounder have to be filthy rich and talented and not honour his domestic contracts? How dare he breed and recede! How dare he err!
Quite frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn – it’s his life to screw up and ‘the fool in him’ is enduring more punishment than most psychopths with ‘fresh heads in the fridge’ ever suffer. Live and let live.
Is Tiger still playing the 11th hole, or has he retired back to the clubhouse, where his wife is fuming?