Brian Edwards Media

Entire Script of Final Episode of ‘Outrageous Fortune’ found at Henderson Tip!

 

 

A copy of the complete script of the final episode of Outrageous Fortune was discovered this morning by a vagrant fossicking through the Henderson tip.  In  an extraordinary piece of serendipity, the vagrant turned out to be a close relative of mine and passed the script on to me. He naturally expected a reward, so I gave him the money for a trim flat white and sent him on his way. My offer to return the script unread to South Pacific Pictures in return for a part as a gynaecologist in Shortland Street was rejected, so I am publishing the main points of the script here: 

Cheryl who has been sentenced to 15 years without parole for the murder of DS Zane Gerard, discovers the meaning of true love when she falls for lifer and serial killer Anastasia Broschewski. The two are joined in a moving, albeit bigamous, civil union in the prison chapel. After a particularly steamy sex scene in the prison laundry Broschewski vows to ‘deal to’ all of Cheryl’s enemies when she is released in 2020.

In one of the most dramatic denouements in the series, ‘identical twins’ Van and Jethro are revealed to be the same person. The double identity turns out to be the result of a scam by Cheryl to claim two lots of child support from Social Welfare. Jethro/Van is diagnosed with acute schizophrenia and  is carted off to an insane asylum where he is a lawyer on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and a drug-taking handyman on the remaining days of the week.

Pascalle is given only 11 weeks to live, when it is discovered that the bullet in her left breast  was actually removed by an actor masquerading as a real surgeon and calling himself Dr House. The bungled operation has resulted in a rare and incurable disease known as  ‘lastepitis’. Suspicion grows in the hospital when ‘Dr House’ comes up with 17 different diagnoses of Pascalle’s condition before settling on ‘a bad cold’. Pascalle is buried in a coffin made entirely from discarded handbags.

When the other Wests have left the cemetery, Loretta, overcome by guilt for the way she treated her sister during her lifetime, throws herself weeping onto the coffin, striking her head forcefully on the buckle of a fake Prada handbag and losing consciousness.  A drunken Falani, who has taken a part-time job as a grave-digger, fails to notice Loretta in the hole and buries her alive.

On his release from prison on compassionate grounds, Grandpa Ted celebrates by downing 12 Viagra tablets. This unfortunately leads to his entire blood supply deserting the rest of his body and rushing to his penis. He manages to make love 13 times to wife Ngaire before dying in her arms. Ted is buried in a specially designed coffin next to the grave of Pascalle and Loretta (who is still listed as a missing person by the police).  As the coffin is lowered into the grave, Ngaire is heard to remark, ‘Stiff at last!’

Faced with so many deaths, Casey and Munter decide to hold a party-cum-wake at the West house. Cheryl and Wolf, accompanied by the entire West Auckland constabulary, are allowed to attend along with every character who has ever appeared in the series. The party/wake is in full swing when Jethro/Van, who has escaped from the insane asylum, bursts through the door and  douses the entire living room with petrol before lighting a joint and tossing the still burning match onto the sofa.. The West house is burnt to the ground. There are no survivors.

NOTE: A memorandum from South Pacific Pictures Managing Director, John Barnett, to ‘Head of Programmes, TV3’ was found attached to the final script. It reads: ‘Programme Proposal: West family return as vampires in new series. Can’t fail. Ring me!’

I understand that SPP have decided to rewrite the final episode of Outrageous Fortune, since I have now given away the plot of the original. Suggestions for alternative endings, preferably accompanied by a $20 note,  are invited from readers of this site .

, ,

13 Comments:

  1. Nah. Not dramatic enough

  2. I think it’s an awesome effort! It gave me a much-needed laugh this afternoon.

  3. I’ve been to your house, Edwards. You don’t need my $20.

    But here’s the real ending:

    Cheryl escapes from jail and the remaining family members hit the road in a yellow Mini.

    Under an intensifying police pursuit, and amid many hi-jinks, they finally reach Invercargill. where they find Tim Shadbolt, naked in front of the council chambers, to which he has set light.

    Wolf appears and shoots all the cops. Judd shoots him. Shadbolt pardons Cheryl under an obscure Waitakere City bylaw.

    They all return to West Auckland, in an ending much like that of The Lord of the Rings

  4. At least it’s not revealed to be all a dream, or all in Tom Hearte’s head, as was rumoured to happen to Close to Home. I can’t recall as I was hungover at the time.

  5. 5

    The television co. were quite silly not to take up your offer. Now, they have to rewrite the whole script. And you were less-than-generous to your vagrant relative.

  6. Plot not dramatic enough. New lines:
    Cheryl turns out be her own mother.
    Loretta is really a man hence her anger problem. This leads to her daughter becoming traumatised and she runs amok with a air powered automatic rifle.
    Wolf is really Simon Powers in disguise and looking for popular answers to popular legal issues.
    Pascalle is a plant to develop ideas on how John Key can hold his popularity ratings given that Outrageous Fortune is still outrating him.
    Jethro and Munta join the Catholic Church and become virtuous priests.
    And in the final scene Brian Edwards appears haloed and holding a large Bible and after forgiving all those who have sinned, he bursts into flame engineered by a Garner fellow.

  7. Reading through the script was as boring as watching an episode of OF. If South Pacific Pictures don’t want it back you could easily make, aw.. 70c on TradeMe.

    • Reading through the script was as boring as watching an episode of OF. If South Pacific Pictures don’t want it back you could easily make, aw.. 70c on TradeMe.

      I’m trying to think of a considered reply. Ah yes, here it is: humourless git!

  8. Reading through the script was as boring as watching an episode of OF.

    If you’re going to be a contrarian, at least get into the spirit of things and make it entertaining.

  9. I’m trying to think of a considered reply. Ah yes, here it is: humourless git!

    Anymore of these kind of retorts, and you’ll have enough for a decent script.

  10. Brian,
    humour is in the eye etc. I am sure that your satire is brilliant but it is lost on those that do not “get” the subject that is being satirised.
    Brian and Russelll,
    the percentage of viewers was considerably less in Wellington than it was nationally. I guess yet another reason to mention our cultural supremacy over Auckburgers.
    Baz…Founder (and only) member of the “OF is a Waste-Of-Space Society”.
    Sorry if there is anybody I haven’t upset.