Brian Edwards Media

‘Ello, ‘Ello, Ello’, I’ve come to raid your media premises on the instruction of Prime Minister Key.’ A far-fetched fantasy.

‘Ello, ‘Ello, ‘Ello, I’ve come to raid your newspaper/radio station/TV station on the instruction of my superior officer, PrimeMinister Key. So hand over the document or recording, according to whichever is in your possession.’

‘What document or recording are you referring to, officer?’

‘Now don’t play the smart-arse with me, sonny. You know very well it’s the recording illegally and criminally made of Prime Minister Key having an entirely private chat with the former Minister of Police during an entirely private meeting in an off-the-beaten-track Auckland eatery. Oh, and the transcript thereof.’

‘You mean the recording made when a cameraman accidentally left his microphone on the table, and couldn’t go back in to retrieve it, because your people wouldn’t let him back in.’

‘No comment. Just hand over the recording or document before I slap the cuffs on and escort you back to the station.’

‘No, I won’t.  And I’m still waiting for you to tell me what I’m charged with and to read me my rights.’

‘Harbouring an illegally and criminally obtained,  subversive recording or transcript thereof, likely to destabilise the government.’

‘But Prime Minister Key has said there’s nothing of consequence on the recording/document. He called it “bland”.’

‘We’ll have none of your clever-clever, smarty-pants media debating tricks here, mate. If Prime Minister Key says you’ve broken the law, then you’ve broken the law. And if you haven’t, he’ll change it.’

‘Really? I thought we lived in a democracy.’

‘That’s a good one!’

‘Anyway I’m not going to hand over the document or recording.’

‘In that case I shall a) charge you with obstructing a police officer in the fulfilment of his duty and b) ransack your newspaper/radio station/TV station until I discover the seditious material which you are concealing.’

‘Don’t you think this is all a bit heavy-handed?’

‘No comment. Cuff him, constable.’

[Sounds of a scuffle; shouts and screams; the air is filled with pepper spray; sounds of coughing and crying; the crack of a taser gun; more shouts and screams; silence].

‘That’ll show those commie bastards at Radio New Zealand who’s running the country.’

‘Too right, sarge, but did we really need the taser? I mean it does seem a bit over the top just to return Prime Minister Key’s and former Police Minister Banks’ own words to them.’

‘Not for us to reason why, constable. As Prime Minister Key says, “It’s the principle of the thing.”  That’s it –  the principle of the thing.’

‘It’s a rum do, though, isn’t it, sarge. Someone told me former Police Minister Banks joked that if he won the Epsom seat, Dr Brash would be “gone by lunchtime”.’

‘Now, now, constable, that’s dangerous talk. Dangerous talk indeed.’

‘It was a good one though, sarge. Want to hear a good joke?’

‘OK’

‘What did the Irish policeman say to the burglar?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Irish stew in the name of the law.’

‘That’s a good one, constable.  Now let’s get these crims in the paddy wagon.’

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51 Comments:

  1. Mallard

    Ever heard of integrity, honesty, listening to the majority opinion and the need for decent citizens to protect the rule of law. You may need the support of the Police whom you denigrate to protect yourself and your family from the sort of person who illegally tape their private conversations. What would you have said if the black cover disguised a C4 bomb?

  2. Did you see this quoted from RNZ today? http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/election-2011/91307/media-face-search-warrants-over-recording
    “When asked whether his complaint was a good use of police resources, Mr Key said National had lowered the crime rate across the country so police had a little bit of spare time and this was an important issue.”
    Bet the police are pleased to know this!

  3. Very good Brian, bring back McPhail & Gadsby I say. The televised lampooning of the tea tape fiasco would be great entertainment. Surely all the ‘elderly’ can’t be dying out, especially the funny ones.

  4. He called it “bland”

    brilliant

  5. “to protect yourself and your family from the sort of person who illegally tape their private conversations.” The people most likely to do that ARE the police!

  6. Perhaps there is more coin to be made advising Garner, Gower, Radio Live, and Morning report rather than Goff and Labour.
    The media pushing this are looking plain stupid and self interested when there real job should be providing eyes and ears to advertisers. NZers over many decades have correctly shown their contempt for these tactics, Oh but wait Labours final week of the campaign is to attack Key personally which worked out for them so well last time.
    Read tonight’s TVNZ poll and watch the smart people scratch their heads.

  7. It must be a couple of decades since people first started saying that Winston’s support base was dying out, but there they still are, shuffling into his meetings. Go, the oldies!

  8. Loose Lips Sink Ships

  9. Here was I thinking that Warrants were deadly serious things reserved for offences such drugs, child pornography, murder, and wilful disobedience of wifely orders, but evidence of a naughty reporter forgetting or being stopped from collecting his gear? Sounds like a scene from Coronation Street.

  10. 10

    Beaumont Livingstone

    J.K has put his-self in a situation where he can’t win. And he now doesn’t have a feel-good disposition towards the media. That cameraman should be charged for illegal eavesdropping; because he oughtn’t’ve done what he did.

  11. I have heard from a friend in the media that what was on the tape was Banks and Key planning their recipes for a new cooking book and that they want to take the food channel by storm in the new year. They are certainly cooking up something.

  12. Pathetic.

  13. @Cav39. The only problem for Key, is that Winston has a stready stream of old coming on, or does he not think anyone lives past 60?

  14. Ianmac

    “evidence of a naughty reporter forgetting or being stopped from collecting his gear?”

    Well you can’t have your cake and eat it – either 1: he left his gear “oops, hit delete” or 2:meant to leave it “great, pass to NZH, TV3 plus anyone else that comes to mind”. The law is clear – you can’t record without permission.

  15. Bully-boy govt dressed up as a man of principle – pompous and distasteful. I don’t care what’s on the tape, I care that JK has let it get this big. He should withdraw the complaint against Ambrose and get the heck on with being a serious politician instead of the nerdy school prefect act he’s playing at now. He’s making it darn hard to trust him.

  16. I agree with Stephen. I also think that Labour and the reporter have dropped the ball on it too – the only winner here might just be Winston.

  17. If Key really really wanted to discuss more important issues he would, but doesn’t. He has avoided all attempts to appear on RNZ for interviews on serious matters. Or anywhere else for that matter in spite of being the only National face of this election. Tea-tape important? Sure is.

  18. I wish people would stop saying that this recording is illegal. That is, in fact, far from clear. The rule is designed to stop stalkers and the like. It is designed to protect people who have a reasonable expectation of privacy. It is not clear that two public figures, at a publicised meeting, in a public place, in front of a media scrum have any such reasonable expectation. This one will be tricky for the Courts. I don’t know whether or not it was illegal but it is a fair bet either way.

  19. HEADLINE IN TODAY’S NZ HERALD:
    “Tea tape cameraman fights back”

    Against what, pray tell? He “accidentally” leaves a recording device, makes an unethical, illegal recording, and now has “rights”? What we have here is yet another jejeune “reporter” from the everything-must-go-on-Facebook generation, who needs to do some growing up. Leave one of those bugs on my table and you’d never see it again.

  20. The most disturbing feature about this illicit recording — is that Winston Peters is milking it for all its worth, seducing the Geriatrics with his usual guile and smoke and mirrors. And the idiots are sucking it up, faster than a hungry baby on a mother’s tit.

    When Peters, suddenly, gets so much traction from the Self-Centred, Selfish, Gullible and Utterly Stupid, then, there’s a compelling case for denying the Elderly the right to vote; when it’s clear that their mentality is impaired by an advanced stage of infirmed senescence.

    Watching Winstone surge in the polls, is as stomach-churning as drinking warm, rancid curdled milk.

  21. Sam – well said – why are so many people leaping to the illegality argument, as you say its not at all clear and considering the very public context it seems wrong to compare it to recording private conversations. If I needed to have a private conversation with someone I would not choose a Cafe with a media scrum outside and security minders everywhere.
    The other context is the whole show was a set up to manipulate the election process in Epsom.

  22. Merv – I agree seeing Peters milk this for all its worth and rising in the polls is despairing.
    The media don’t help by giving him the oxygen.

    I wouldn’t go so far as to “denying the Elderly the right to vote” but I understand your frustration.

  23. Ianmac – “If Key really really wanted to discuss more important issues he would, but doesn’t. He has avoided all attempts to appear on RNZ for interviews on serious matters. Or anywhere else for that matter in spite of being the only National face of this election. Tea-tape important? Sure is.”

    Precisely. Key doesn’t front up to discuss serious issues and now he’s complaining that the media isn’t taking him seriously over “issues”?!

    Sheer hypocrisy.

    Merv – “The most disturbing feature about this illicit recording — is that Winston Peters is milking it for all its worth, seducing the Geriatrics with his usual guile and smoke and mirrors.”

    And it’s all of Key’s own making. Jeez, if he’s released the tapes with a “mea culpa”; shrugged; smiled his boyish grin; the media would’ve continued loving him; the public would’ve forgotten after the first ad break; and he might actua;lly have scored another 50,000 votes out of it!

    But no. As our American cuzzies put it, he made a “federal case” out of a relatively minor issue, and itr’s blown up in his face.

    The point now, Merv, is not the tapes at all: it’s how he is percieved to handle unexpected situations.

    He hasn’t shown himself in a good light. He panicked. And people are picking up on it.

    His “honeymoon” with the media is well and truly over. http://fmacskasy.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/its-official-the-media-honeymoon-is-over/

    If Key thinks this was rough, he should be pondering what the next three years will bring if he is re-elected into power.

  24. Yesterday I was ruminating on tactical voting, with the irony of national party stalwarts voting for act and dyed in the wool Lobourites voting for national. Today, waking to the news of Winny perched on 4.9% and the left having to contemplate, swallowing the dead rat, of having to vote for The Pooman to get rid of the Keyster. Gawd, it only gets better………………

  25. We had a lipreader look at it. They were planning their summer holiday break. One family is going to Omaha, the other to Hawaii. Game changer.

  26. What if the location was one of their private offices? I think that would change public perception quite a bit.

    The conversation was private. It should remain so, irrespective of location or content.

  27. “Watching Winstone surge in the polls, is as stomach-churning as drinking warm, rancid curdled milk.”

    True, but no more stomach-churning than having John Key blame Labour after a man with mental health problems has just tried to harm himself in Parliament.

  28. Hooray for Brian! “He’s not the Messiah, just a naughty boy.”

  29. Ohhhhh, this is superb ! This really is ‘living the dream’! I’ve been waiting three long years for this. Key scores the most spectacular own-goal in the last minute of extra-time and the Tories are panicking like there’s no tomorrow. Extraordinary how so many of them have suddenly discovered a burning passion for the intricacies of privacy law – “for Godsake whatever you do, keep the voters’ minds away from questions of Key’s competence, temperament and trustworthiness !!!”

    And this full-on Tory panic is already beginning to have tragic consequences. As we speak, ashen-faced chartered accountants and startled Dowager housewives are hurling themselves out of second floor Remuera lace-windows. While sporadic reports suggest most are simply landing in their heated swimming pools, it appears a number have crashed through their conservatory roofs and gazebos at a fair old rate of knots.

    To my left-leaning comrades-in-arms:

    Chin up, my bully-boys*. Thanks to a quite ingeneous pincer-movement, we’ve finally got the vile sausage-sucking Tory Hun on the run ! Keep Fritzie in panic-mode and I’m sure we’ll all be in Berlin by lunchtime !

    * As in ‘John Bull’.

  30. Good grief, if John is hoping to prosecute over the Tea-cup issue, what must the journalist who released the recent conversation between Sarkosy and Obama be feeling. One, after all, could have a major influence on peaceful relationships world wide and precipitate a regional confrontation, while the other could see a breaking off of diplomatic relations … wait a minute, one could do both, and the other could make a nation’s leader the laughing stock of the world. (Judging by BBC and Guardian news today, one of the above has already happened.)

  31. I have had enough. Right leaning by inclination (so not intuitively a Goff supporter) I have just watched the pathetic news item on TV3 where Goff is presented as somehow a loser for not knowing how much his capital gains tax will make in its first year.

    What is it with these idiots in the media? Is infallibility a prerequisite for office? Or is it that they want to parade their own egos across the screen each night.

    I have to say Brian your profession with its smug self-rigtheousness makes me want to throw up.

  32. Martin – “The conversation was private. ”

    When is the last time you invited several doZen journos to a “private conversation”?

  33. @ markus: “…hurling themselves out of second floor Remuera lace-windows.”

    Don’t you mean, ‘latticed windows’?

    There are a few retirees doing the odd bit of macrame, but it’s for the hanging-pot plants.

  34. I realise this piece is intended to be satirical/humorous but you are inadvertently (or perhaps deliberately) demonstrating why the Labour Party is going to be slaughtered in this election and apart from the National Party the only beneficiary will be Peters who will grab the disaffected Labour vote that cannot face the thought of voting for the Green Party.

    This nonsense of the tape has been a distraction and Goff and those organising the campaign(although any signs of organisation have been sadly lacking)have allowed themselves to be sucked in and diverted from those issues that really are important. Their message, faint though it was, has been lost in the noise.

    Sad to say the Labour campaign has so far been a dog and unless something miraculous happen in the next seven days the party faces electoral annihilation.

    So congratulations on your own modest contribution to a truly pathetic Labour performance.

  35. Ben – “I realise this piece is intended to be satirical/humorous but you are inadvertently (or perhaps deliberately) demonstrating why the Labour Party is going to be slaughtered in this election and apart from the National Party the only beneficiary will be Peters who will grab the disaffected Labour vote that cannot face the thought of voting for the Green Party.”

    Because the left appreciates satire/humour, we’re going to be “slaughtered” at the election?!?

    Ummm…

    Damn.

    What does one say to that?

  36. I must say, some of the posters here find Winston Peter’s possible resurrection sickening, but don’t care to comment on the brazen manipulation of MMP to rort the seat of Epsom as insurance for National should they fail to gain a majority.
    I find the thought of Peter’s return to Parliament less sickening than the thought of Act gaining the seat.

  37. Richard Ashton @11:23. A photo published today taken from the inside looking out past Key/Banks shows that just to the right of Key the glass panel ends. A man is standing within two paces of Key looking over his shoulder. Should Key expect privacy. And how come there was a photographer on the inside anyway?
    http://media.nzherald.co.nz/webcontent/image/jpg/201147/SCCZEN_A_121111NZLDWKEY01_460x230.JPG

  38. Merv. Up to your old unpleasant vitriolic bilious spewing again I see? As one of those older folk I find your ageism particularly uncalled for.
    If any party attracts enough votes then so be it. I would support their rights in a Democracy, but your way suggests quite a different way. Get your Party together then and get your votes in- if you can.

  39. Thanks, Merv. I got momentarily confused in all of the excitement.

  40. The Teapot Tapes have, in one foul swoop, invoked a textbook example of the lemming mafia when their personality cult is caught pants down – “move along, nothing to see here!” or “lalalalala, can’t hear you!”

  41. @DeepRed: “in one foul swoop” – It’s actually fell swoop (as in felling a tree) but foul will do nicely here :)

  42. Frank:”Because the left appreciates satire/humour, we’re going to be “slaughtered” at the election?!?”

    I said no such thing. You are going to be slaughterd because you allowed yourself to be distracted by something that should have ben treated as a joke.

    It is possibly because of your lack of humour, not to mention lack of perspective, that electoral defeat looms.

  43. Ben: National is going to win this election,because centrist voters are not yet in the mood for change, but what has happened in the last week is the beginning of the end for National. For the first time in 3 years open cracks are showing in their organisation. During the next 3 years they will face further chaos and the electorate will see through them. What the country doesn’t need however is the National party governing without a genuine opposition. Political domination would allow National to impose further right wing theoretical experiments on this nation. Unfortunately many centrist voters have a short memory of what National did in the 1990s.

  44. @ Ianmac

    My dear fellow, you’ve jumped the gun. I wasn’t referring to “All” the old folk; only those, who allow themselves to be held in Winston’s malignant thrall.

    @ marcus

    I thought that might be the case.
    I really enjoyed your methamphetamic rush in that post; it was a humourous departure from your usually — staid — statistical analysis.

  45. Where to start!

    What I can’t stand about the media on this issue is its sanctimonious bullshit. Their arguement that their right to the information on the tape is more important than any of the other issues related to this situation is just self serving crap. The right to privacy in this case completely outweighs the media’s prurient interet.

    The media have really demonstrated that they are little more than excitable gossip columnists. No Idea may try to head hunt some.

    The stupidest example of the above was Sainsbry’s efforts to lip read the conversation. God forbid!

    The rich irony is that because of the media’s hysteria over this issue, the Labour Party, the party of choice for many in the media, were lost in action – possibly never to be seen again. Like the media they’ll be the ultimate losers.

  46. Ben November 19th, 2011 at 09:22

    “…You are going to be slaughterd because you allowed yourself to be distracted by something that should have ben treated as a joke…”

    We did?

    I thought that was the media’s role? To probe, ask questions, take nothing for granted.

    My bad.

    Carry on, Comrade.

  47. … and I used to luv those “Carry On” movies. Not that I’m supposed to have a sense of humour, being a left’n’all…

  48. Another delicious expose of the oxymoronic tory mind-set: truckloads of bile-filed comments stating that this is not worth commenting on!

    Without a skerrick of self-realisation or irony.

    And now serious pleas to talk policy!

    Right-wing humour. The cartoonists’ mother lode, basis of the laughing-stock market.

  49. Yes ak. And since Mr Key wants desperately to talk about issues perhaps he would front up on
    Morning Report – refused most of the year,
    Campbell Live -refused all year
    The Nation- refused
    Nine to Noon-refused and so on.
    Perhaps Mr Key can only manage with a set script and needs desperately to avoid scrutiny.

  50. @cav39: another analogy to draw would be with Comical Ali.

  51. Spot on, Ianmac.

    Key’s re-discovered love of “talking issues happens to coincide with just fivedays of election campaigning left…

    A tad late…

    His tea will be cold by now…