Brian Edwards Media

I write a letter of complaint to Fair Go about their former host, and my former friend, Kevin Milne

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Dear Fair Go

Complaint Re Mr Kevin Milne

Today a large parcel, addressed to Judy Callingham and Brian Edwards arrived at the Ponsonby Post Office. The sender was one Kevin Milne, whose name will not be unknown to you.  My wife explained that it was probably a present from my former colleague to celebrate my 75th birthday – which was three-and-a- half months ago. Mr Milne had another engagement on the 4th of November, probably filming a commercial for hair restorer or erectile dysfunction pills in Hawaii, and had been unable to come to my party. He had apparently phoned her to say he’d been looking for an appropriate present ever since.  I was very excited. This was clearly it.

The parcel was quite heavy and an unusual shape – 60 X 600mm. As we sat drinking our flat whites at a local cafe, I examined the gift with my fingers, trying to guess what exciting and no doubt expensive present (Kevin is loaded!) it might contain. Anticipation, as the Germans say, is the greatest pleasure. (Die Vorfreude ist die größte Freude)

Whatever it was appeared to be in a frame. Undoubtedly an artwork, quite possibly a recently discovered McCahon triptych. (Kevin is extremely generous!)

“Or at least a framed piece of carpet!” I joshed.

We sped home in the Mini Cooper, the McCahon triptych carefully stowed in the back. I tore off the outer wrapping. There indeed was a stylish birthday card.

It is too painful for me to quote the words that Mr Milne actually wrote. However, if this is essential to my complaint, I will ask my counsellor to sent the card to you. But the simple bitter truth is that the present was not for me at all, but for my wife. In three-and-a-half months Mr Milne had not been able to find anything for me. ‘So you get the gift, Judy,’ he wrote, ‘Brian won’t mind.’

Well, if a more serious case of false advertising combined with breach of promise has ever come your way, I’d be very surprised.  This is like having a wedding photographer lose your photographs or finding your Big Mac is half the size it looked in the ad. Only ten times worse!

Milne must pay for my hurt feelings and he must pay dearly.

Could it get any worse? Oh yes, Fair Go crime fighters, it could. For Milne’s gift was indeed a painting. And like the McCahon I had thought it was, it did have writing on it. And what it said, the very text my wife would display on her office wall for all to see , was grossly defamatory of her husband, the birthday boy!

I look forward to your urgent response. I am available to be filmed at any time and assume you will provide make-up and a hair stylist.

Do I get a fee?

Dr Brian Edwards

Attached: Photograph of Mr Milne’s ‘present’ to my wife. 

 

Kevin's prezzie 003

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19 Comments:

  1. Is that the same sort of ‘normal’ as the ‘normal’ PM we have at the moment!?

  2. A disappointing prospect. I demand a picture of the Milne/Edwards detente summit.

  3. 3

    Snigger

  4. I have never aspired to being normal and suggest it would be equally futile for Brian. I am sure Judy would find normal quite excessively boring as would my wife.

  5. Haha.

    Thanks for the laugh Brian.

    If Judy doesn’t want to keep it – i have a nice spot on the wall here that would do it justice!

  6. “I have never aspired to being normal and suggest it would be equally futile for Brian. I am sure Judy would find normal quite excessively boring as would my wife.”

    Ah, something we can share, Alan. To be “normal” is to sink beneath the waves of mediocrity…

  7. Funny thing is that I have sometimes said to my wife, “My next wife will be… (understanding, or sexy, or supportive, or encouraging for my clever schemes etc)
    For some reason she seems to be unimpressed, even irritated. Better I stick with, “Yes Dear.”

  8. Here in Golden Bay everyone is really weird. Except me, of course. I am completely normal! lol

  9. I thought The Hair Restorer and erectile disfunction quips were rather cheap shots compared to the artwork.

    BE: Just to clarify: It’s not meant to be taken seriously, pjr. It’s a joke. I’ve no doubt Kev will be working on a cutting reply.

  10. @ Kat

    “Is that the same sort of ‘normal’ as the ‘normal’ PM we have at the moment!?”

    He he he. I’ll give you credit. No matter how off-topic, you certainly always stay on your message. Witness the following from the previous thread, “An unusual case of avian racism from Gareth Morgan”: -

    “Alex, the truth is ‘councils’ find it difficult ‘managing’ even rubbish collection!?

    “micro-chipping and neutering” best left for the National govt”.

    and…

    “Sarah, what about ‘Key-free’ zones in areas of significant economic, social AND ecological value!? Surely Keys own cats name ‘moonbeam’ is an alter ego of his prime minister-ship?”

    However, I am disappointed and feel short-changed that you failed to blame the Key/National government for New Zealand’s bad weather in the thread before, “Just looking out the window – can the New Zealand Metservice really do any better?”

    However, I rest in hope, as that thread is still open, and you have the chance to rectify your oversight…

    …and I know I get accused (mainly by you) of being a John Key jock-strap sniffer (to use a sports fan phrase), but you know the name of his cat?! Are you sure your off-topic snipes aren’t just the missives of a frustrated stalker?!

    But then, as the unspoken question of this thread implies, what is normal?!

  11. edwards you fucking pontificating piece of irish garbage

    BE: This is the second contribution to this site by Paul Scott. His first was on 13 January and said: “I see Edwards still calls himself a media advisor, a sickening plagiarism of himself still.”

    I replied: “Judy took your comment down, because we don’t normally publish comments with no content other than gratuitous abuse. But I’d like to give you the opportunity to explain exactly what you mean.”

    Mr Scott did not take up my offer.

    Since ‘Paul Scott’ is a relatively common name and he will not want others claiming the credit for his profound and witty pronouncements, I should add that, according to his profile on Linkedin, he is a ‘film editor and dreamer’ at paulscottfilms. He also has a blog-site, paulscottfilms.blogspot.com, which you can visit and view some of his films and quite stunning photographs. Or you could contact him directly at paulscottfilms@yahoo.co.nz.

    I’m not quite sure why Paul wants to so roundly and rudely abuse me, but I won’t be publishing his obscenities on this site any more.

    JC: Paul Scott’s alter ego is Peter Quixote, who also commented on this site with a similar lack of wit or finesse.

  12. Very funny. Time I let the world know my husband is definitely not normal, which probably makes me abnormal too because I like living with him. Heaven forbid others would see us as normal! So here’s to a wonderfully abnormal couple – Brian and Judy!

  13. Does That mean that you are Normal?
    ps perhaps Im being too sarcastic

  14. I’m abnormal by default. Apparently I may be a borderline autistic, if my long-held fascination with details is anything to go by.

  15. I have to admit to being puzzled. You publish what is clearly a light heated tongue in cheek piece and you are first criticised by someone who thinks you are taking cheap shots at Mr Milne. Then you attract that bizarre outburst from a frustrated hobbit.

    There are indeed some very strange people out there.

    The finger of suspicion on sandwich removal now points to Mr Scott. If Mr S objects he may be comforted to know that I am a pontificating piece of Welsh garbage.

  16. Love ya, dear friend. Sorry couldnt afford the McCahon. Though if I had found one that proclaimed I BE instead of I AM I would have bought it for you. Love and congrats to your clever and anything but normal wife.

  17. @ Ben Thomas

    “I have to admit to being puzzled….There are indeed some very strange people out there”.

    Kiwis have many fine qualities that contribute to the national capital: loyalty, resourcefulness built on an abundance of pragmatic common sense, phlegmatic courage in the face of adversity, generosity to those they encounter in genuine need…

    However, in being granted those rich gifts, there was a requirement, in order to balance the ledger, that the charismata of understanding, let alone crafting irony should be extinguished at birth…

  18. @Kimbo. I can’t cover it all, all the time, but hey! good work repeating the gospel.

    As for the weather, its just blowin in the wind.