Brian Edwards Media



Hey you! Yes You! The wrinkled old guy with the funny Irish accent! God, you look ancient! Must be 90 if you’re a day! Hold on, I’ll check the file. Jeez, only 78! Time you retired, mate. You’ll bloody wear yourself out! What else? This is interesting: “Made a name for himself on the box. Started that Fair Go thing.” We hate that programme here at the Bank. Bloody consumers knowing their rights! Peasants! What would they know about high finance? No pleasing them. Moan bloody moan!

Which brings me to your letter DOCTOR!!! Passed on to me by our Head of Surveillance. Let’s see: “… saved all my life… told by every government this was the responsible thing to do… managed to buy a house and put away a nest egg for my old age… now being punished for having been responsible…. Interest rates at all time low… people with barely a cent to their name now borrowing hundreds of thousands… not fair… blah blah blah…”

God this is side-splitting, Doc. Tears (of laughter) are running down my cheeks. Can’t wait to tell Bill about this. Still, you’re right and you deserve an answer. And here it is, Doc – Take it to Fair Go, Mate!

Bottoms Up



  1. You don’t get it. That house you bought is now worth umpteen times what you paid for it. You can drool over the latest valuation and feel rich. You can borrow vast amounts of money against it at lower than low interest rates. You can feel superior to all those silly people who can’t afford a house. What are you complaining about?
    You should go down on your poor arthritic knees and thank That Nice Mr. Key and That Clever Mr. English for arranging it all.

    • And here I was thinking there was a housing crisis. And the shortage of houses was driving the price of owning a home out of the ballpark for all those people you refer to who can’t afford a house. And the price of a house doesn’t go down when interest rates go down. You’re just in thrall to the bankers and money-lenders for longer. And if you’re right and I can borrow vast amounts of money at lower than low interest rates, how is that helping “all those silly people who can’t afford a house”? A really wild idea might be to try to increase your income, save as much as you can and wait a bit longer till you can put down a reasonable deposit on a property. But there’s a problem there too. Those low interest rates make saving barely worthwhile. And you seem to have missed the point that this was just a little piece of satire with hopefully a grain of truth: that for decades now we’ve all been encouraged to save for our old age when a better option would have been to become property speculators. Cheers.

      • 1.1.1

        I didn’t think of you as a satirist who wouldn’t recognise someone else’s satire or, perhaps, your reply is satire.
        Or does that final “Cheers” indicate you’ve been at the poteen? I think I’ll do the same; you may get an even less coherent reply later.


          As BE has commented before, NZers don’t do irony. Nor it seems do the Irish.

          I was also going to suggest, that as a good socialist, you should be redistributing wealth not hoarding it, but perhaps the tongue might not be seen in the cheek.

        • Definitely fair enough, John.

  2. That’s what Brian was complaining about. You can either be a good Kiwi and not complain or a whinging Pom and try to do something about it.

  3. Vodka is the answer.

  4. Those were the insightful, prescient, and relevant words of Sir Winston Churchill from the first edition of his book,