Brian Edwards Media

Memo to National Party Caucus: Please Pick Bill. Please, Please, Pretty Please!

Bill English

I like Bill. Bill is just great. Really, really great. And – sorry to blow my own trumpet – but if anyone should know, I should. Well, me and Judy really – the team that brought you Helen Clark. Back from the dead, some would say, but I couldn’t possibly comment. Anyway, back to Bill. Did I say Bill was great? What an understatement! Bill is stupendous, charismatic, a master of oratory and, no point in denying it, a real stud. The stats never lie. And here’s the thing: I’m a dyed in the wool Labour man. A socialist, to be strictly accurate. So this is really tough for me to have to say. But hey, truth is more important than politics. And it will out. Bill is supercalifragalistic, expial… Oh never mind. Bloody brilliant on the box too. And if anyone should know, I should. Did I say that already? Never mind, the truth will out. And here’s the acid test: if I had to choose between watching a 45-minute interview with Bill on some TV show on Sunday morning and watching Paula Bennett figure skating naked on ice, I’d pick Bill. And so would Judy. Charisma, mastery of the language, sex appeal. It’d be riveting, wouldn’t  it? Think of Bill as a rivet: solid, reliable, holding things together, grey-coloured. So please, please, please pick Bill to lead you into the next election. If only to please me and Judy and Labour Party voters from the Cape to the Bluff. Bill’s your man. And mine. Thanks. Brian



  1. You had me worried for a minute.

  2. Sadly, it may come to pass. The only candidate capable of causing random and unscheduled defecation in Little’s Y Fronts is the wholly untrustable, unelectable Crusher, more Chinese than sweet and sour pork, and the one who never knows when to stop the bs and fess up. Dear o’dear, the Key man’s holed the country below the waterline here. Hopefully English will prove to look a bit sharper on TV than Mr Angry.

  3. You are once again testing the New Zealand public’s ability to spot a large dollop of irony when it hits them in the face.

    I was listening to Bill English being interviewed as I drove home last night. It was more potent than barbiturates. Future interviews should come with a health warning to those driving.

  4. Interesting to consider what would have happened if David Shearer was still leading Labour. He would have learned and gained experience from an election defeat as Clark did in 1996, and as Kirk did from 1966 and 1969 for that matter too. Up against English he wouldn’t have been out-matched for charisma as with Key. And his centre-left politics would be a hell of a lot more palatable to the voting public.

    But then all the Labour Party “experts” knew so much better to flush a man who had Labour polling at 35% just over 3 years ago.

    You may be right about English, Brian, and I have no reason to doubt your media training skills. Mind you, Collins, despite all her strengths (and weaknesses) is, like Muldoon before her highly polarising. And as long as English can portray competence, then that is a large part of the battle won. Not sure current Labour and the Greens can pull that off with middle-New Zealand…

    • What is interesting now, Kimbo, is that the voting public have a clear choice between two leaders who have had charisma bypasses and whose voices could result in a sharp reduction in the health budget for sleeping pills.

      This might result in a dilemma for many who may have to focus on the policies of each party rather than the joke telling capabilities of the party leaders. The overall beneficiary may be Winston who still does a reasonable song and dance act.

      • You’ve grasped the essence, Ben.

        It will be a soothing change to have to consider and compare policies, instead of being peddled snake oil nostrums by a razzle-dazzle shiny man who (as I saw someone say elsewhere) confused leadership with dealership.

        Blessed are the plain and dull, the backroom hard grafters. They are the ones to go to when you want the job done.

  5. Brian, you had me worried for a moment ,
    I thought you had gone to the dark side and had been training Blinglish.

    • No, Dot…..but Brian doth protest so much, methinks, I wonder if English once (and it would have had to have been foolishly) declined an opportunity to benefit from a course at the august BEM School of Charm?

      • Just to avoid possible confusion, we were never asked to train Mr English and never have trained him. One might have thought that was obvious.

  6. If only he could decide where he actually lives