Dear Fair Go
Complaint Re Mr Kevin Milne
Today a large parcel, addressed to Judy Callingham and Brian Edwards arrived at the Ponsonby Post Office. The sender was one Kevin Milne, whose name will not be unknown to you. My wife explained that it was probably a present from my former colleague to celebrate my 75th birthday – which was three-and-a- half months ago. Mr Milne had another engagement on the 4th of November, probably filming a commercial for hair restorer or erectile dysfunction pills in Hawaii, and had been unable to come to my party. He had apparently phoned her to say he’d been looking for an appropriate present ever since. I was very excited. This was clearly it.
The parcel was quite heavy and an unusual shape – 60 X 600mm. As we sat drinking our flat whites at a local cafe, I examined the gift with my fingers, trying to guess what exciting and no doubt expensive present (Kevin is loaded!) it might contain. Anticipation, as the Germans say, is the greatest pleasure. (Die Vorfreude ist die größte Freude)
Whatever it was appeared to be in a frame. Undoubtedly an artwork, quite possibly a recently discovered McCahon triptych. (Kevin is extremely generous!)
“Or at least a framed piece of carpet!” I joshed.
We sped home in the Mini Cooper, the McCahon triptych carefully stowed in the back. I tore off the outer wrapping. There indeed was a stylish birthday card.
It is too painful for me to quote the words that Mr Milne actually wrote. However, if this is essential to my complaint, I will ask my counsellor to sent the card to you. But the simple bitter truth is that the present was not for me at all, but for my wife. In three-and-a-half months Mr Milne had not been able to find anything for me. ‘So you get the gift, Judy,’ he wrote, ‘Brian won’t mind.’
Well, if a more serious case of false advertising combined with breach of promise has ever come your way, I’d be very surprised. This is like having a wedding photographer lose your photographs or finding your Big Mac is half the size it looked in the ad. Only ten times worse!
Milne must pay for my hurt feelings and he must pay dearly.
Could it get any worse? Oh yes, Fair Go crime fighters, it could. For Milne’s gift was indeed a painting. And like the McCahon I had thought it was, it did have writing on it. And what it said, the very text my wife would display on her office wall for all to see , was grossly defamatory of her husband, the birthday boy!
I look forward to your urgent response. I am available to be filmed at any time and assume you will provide make-up and a hair stylist.
Do I get a fee?
Dr Brian Edwards
Attached: Photograph of Mr Milne’s ‘present’ to my wife. Read the rest of this entry »